LIFTING SHAME IN OUR PRAYERS

The day was sunny and beautiful as we pulled into the parking lot, but I felt little beauty in my heart. Sudden tears rose unbidden as the medical center came into view. I had been to this same parking lot many times over the past year, but I had carefully kept my back turned to the door that led to the Infusion Center. On this day, I could no longer avoid it. I was headed straight to the place that had left me reeling a year ago. My heart was pounding as my husband wheeled me into an Infusion Center room.

Prompted by blood pressure that was considerably higher than usual, I told the nurse about my last visit for an infusion that went horribly wrong. As she brought me a warm blanket and pillow (for my arm, which was in a rheumatoid arthritis flare), she casually remarked, “It sounds almost like some PTSD is going on in you.” Her comment, delivered with such kindness, prompted me to look more deeply into the anxiety in my heart.

PTSD, ANXIETY, AND SHAME

The post-traumatic stress I was feeling brought to mind the anxiety and shame that have become part and parcel of chronic illness for so many of us:

• memories of failed medications.
• the haunting fear of what might happen during the next treatment.
• neglect when medical staff turns us away.
• the shame of feeling left behind by a healthy culture, both inside and outside the church.

I pondered these thoughts as I sat with my Savior the next day, as the aftereffects of the infusion settled in. They were nothing like the deep trauma I had felt the last time, but they were enough to remind me how awful those symptoms had been. Yet I also knew I had been showered with the grace and kindness of my Savior, who had never once left me alone. So I asked Him, “What is the root of this stress?”

CARRY EACH OTHER'S BURDENS: LIFT SHAME WHEN WE PRAY

Instead of lifting me away from the uncomfortable side effects, God reminded me of every medication failure I had experienced. He asked me to remember (and bring before Him) each time I had sat alone as a child while my mother faced her own medication failures. I had thought I was strong enough to carry those burdens and hurts alone. My mother had often asked for prayer, but how often had I asked for prayer for her? How often had I held back from asking for prayer for myself?

These burdens we carry are too heavy to bear alone or to hide in the recesses of our hearts. Jesus wants to uncover our anxieties and show us that He is with us—but He has also asked us to be with one another.

Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way, you will fulfill the law of Christ. (Galatians 6:2)

Sometimes our past and present pain threaten to isolate us:

• “I’ve already asked for prayer; I don’t need to ask again.”
• “Why would anyone want to pray for me? I’m just a nobody stuck at home.”
• “My pain is minor compared to others'. I shouldn’t waste anyone’s time with my request.”
• “If I ask for prayer now, I might be hurt again. I just can’t risk another letdown.”
• “My weakness makes me feel too ashamed to ask for prayer.”

GOD WILL CARRY EVERY WEAKNESS, PAIN, AND SHAME

Scripture doesn’t use the same disqualifiers we do. Our Lord asks us to lift each other before Him and promises that HE will carry every weakness, pain, and shame we have ever known.

Cast thy burden upon the Lord, and he shall sustain thee: he shall never suffer the righteous to be moved. (Psalm 55:22)

He will carry us, burden and all. No matter what shakes our bodies or minds, God will keep our hearts and souls secure in Him.

For me, the anxiety of facing another infusion after 24 failed medications was too much to bear alone. That evening, after returning from the infusion, I heard God's conviction fall fresh on my heart. I had not asked for prayer from the Chronic Joy Prayer Pond, a community to which my heart is deeply connected. I posted my prayer that night and will post it again when I start a new treatment. Jesus leads us to the Prayer Pond to join hands and hearts with Him as we carry each other to Him and lay our burdens at His feet.

PRAYER WHEN WE FEEL SHAME AND ANXIETY

Are you feeling ashamed or anxious about your prayer requests? I would love to pray with you today:

Dear Lord Jesus,

Thank You for calling us to pray. Thank You for the grace You have poured upon us, inviting us to lift our burdens to You. Would You help us take the risk, voice our fears, and share our requests with one another? This world has worn us down with its constant call for independent strength. We see our weaknesses and know we cannot carry them alone. Show us how YOU have already lifted the label of shame from us. Help us embrace the new name You have given us as Your children in Your family. Help us join our prayers and praise before You now.

In Your precious name, we pray, amen.

QUESTIONS FOR REFLECTION

1. Recall the last time you felt anxious and alone on your illness journey. Do you relate to the idea that shame was present then?
2. When have you taken a risk and asked others to join you in prayer? How did it feel?
3. Have you taken a look at Chronic Joy’s Prayer Pond? Take a moment to visit it today. Why not pray for someone else or leave a request? As we pray together, God will be with us, covering us in His love.